Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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