you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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