Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
