wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
