so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Randomize
