in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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