So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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