When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
