Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
