so explain again why im purple
no
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
