So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
