Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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