We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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