We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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