I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
