My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
