i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
