Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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