ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
