I am spending my child support on dildos
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
