Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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