Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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