there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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