she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
