two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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