im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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