Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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