make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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