I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
