She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
