I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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