i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
