your room smells of hookers.
And success
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
