A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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