i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
