Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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