My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
