bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
