Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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