I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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