I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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