Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
