i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
