I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
