woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
