my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
