i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
