So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
