I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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