I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
