I'm eating all of the evidence.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
