hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
